At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
