You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
