this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Still dying that you shit outside
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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