just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
This is the high leading the old right now
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
im on a boat
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