I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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