This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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