Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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