there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
