i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I need water and some morals
Randomize
