Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Just pee around me
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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