I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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