We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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