ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
