There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
