I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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