R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize