Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
