Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
