Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
