a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
