Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
