Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
