We're like a lot better than the average bears
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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