Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
