At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
