People with herpes should wear stickers.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
