I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
