You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
