I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize
