I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
