Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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