It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
