I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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