Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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