The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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