genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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