I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
