I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize
