Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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