Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
