what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
