you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
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