Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
pray to the hookup gods
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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