Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
