You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
