dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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