How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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