My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
