I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
