Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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