I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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