The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
