i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
