I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
