im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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