So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
