batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
