Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
