She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
