if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
