I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
