I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
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