she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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