Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
