Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
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