never play flip cup with pint glasses
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
