Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
