I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
