why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Randomize
